Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Pondering, Pensive, and other words that start with "P"

Perhaps (see-- there's one) it's the low blood sugar because I didn't eat breakfast & am holding hungry office hours (again). But I've been thinkin'.

Point number one is that I obsess too much. I worry about what people think of me, and often, I do it when there's just no way to positively affect that. Andrew always says pithy things like "what can you do to change that-- if nothing, don't sweat it" but then he also worries about things. I find myself thinking about the Serenity prayer and tacking it to my computer like an addict of worry. I feel kind of paranoid, but then I remember that sometimes, paranoid people are right! They are watching you!! (Seriously. Look behind you. QUICK!)

Point Two: I should Get over it.
Yes, I should. I really really should. I will. I know I will, because I've gotten over tough patches in life in the past just fine.

Point Three: Find a way out. Particularly pissy (two more p words raht thar) is my own lack of control over my current situation and how I sort of let myself fall into it. It makes me want a glass of wine way too much for comfort's sake, because that slight wine buzz makes me stop obsessing, but the NEED for it is a little 12 step-ish.

Point Four: Time in a bottle (and no, not a wine bottle). I mean-- totally. HOW in the heck did I have the time in the past to play days and days and days of computer games? And why couldn't I have banked some of that time wasted for now, when I am so busy I can't even blink without it putting me behind? If I think of all those days fiddling with the "new banner every day" for my old blog, making couches and perfect houses for The Sims, and playing that Bladerunner simulation game and Roger Wilco (that one was fun) I am just amazed. And envious of people who have the ability to just veg like that. I veg sometimes now, but I feel guilty about the other things I ought to be doing instead. I thought when I was done with my dissertation I'd be done with that guilt, but it seems to be never-ending.

I forget what eight was for.

I need coffee, something sweet flaky & pastry-ish, and a red pen to grade all these papers on which I am desperately behind. T-minus 31 minutes and counting until I can accomplish those tasks. I can't really focus on the grading thing until I've eaten. That pressing (p word alert) blood sugar problem (you count them; I hate math).

But the "tap dancing happy thing" is that since I'm leaving my current job after this semester, I don't have to go to the meeting about budget cuts later. Ya'll can cut my budget. I'm already gone.