Pondering, Pensive, and other words that start with "P"

Perhaps (see-- there's one) it's the low blood sugar because I didn't eat breakfast & am holding hungry office hours (again). But I've been thinkin'.

Point number one is that I obsess too much. I worry about what people think of me, and often, I do it when there's just no way to positively affect that. Andrew always says pithy things like "what can you do to change that-- if nothing, don't sweat it" but then he also worries about things. I find myself thinking about the Serenity prayer and tacking it to my computer like an addict of worry. I feel kind of paranoid, but then I remember that sometimes, paranoid people are right! They are watching you!! (Seriously. Look behind you. QUICK!)

Point Two: I should Get over it.
Yes, I should. I really really should. I will. I know I will, because I've gotten over tough patches in life in the past just fine.

Point Three: Find a way out. Particularly pissy (two more p words raht thar) is my own lack of control over my current situation and how I sort of let myself fall into it. It makes me want a glass of wine way too much for comfort's sake, because that slight wine buzz makes me stop obsessing, but the NEED for it is a little 12 step-ish.

Point Four: Time in a bottle (and no, not a wine bottle). I mean-- totally. HOW in the heck did I have the time in the past to play days and days and days of computer games? And why couldn't I have banked some of that time wasted for now, when I am so busy I can't even blink without it putting me behind? If I think of all those days fiddling with the "new banner every day" for my old blog, making couches and perfect houses for The Sims, and playing that Bladerunner simulation game and Roger Wilco (that one was fun) I am just amazed. And envious of people who have the ability to just veg like that. I veg sometimes now, but I feel guilty about the other things I ought to be doing instead. I thought when I was done with my dissertation I'd be done with that guilt, but it seems to be never-ending.

I forget what eight was for.

I need coffee, something sweet flaky & pastry-ish, and a red pen to grade all these papers on which I am desperately behind. T-minus 31 minutes and counting until I can accomplish those tasks. I can't really focus on the grading thing until I've eaten. That pressing (p word alert) blood sugar problem (you count them; I hate math).

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But the "tap dancing happy thing" is that since I'm leaving my current job after this semester, I don't have to go to the meeting about budget cuts later. Ya'll can cut my budget. I'm already gone.

Technology & Ch ch ch changes....

I use a lot of media in my teaching-- Power Points, YouTube videos, music, audio files of poems, etc. I think it's really important to access these things because students are used to more dynamic media and if we go in there with books and chalkboards, it's just kind of boring. Sure, they can figure it out, but it's not as interesting as all the shiny things out there.

But the problem with this is that it can take a RIDICULOUS amount of time. I just spent TOO TOO long trying to figure out how to load a DVD clip into a PowerPoint presentation. I want to show a clip from Disney's Enchanted, where she gets rained on, and goes "into the underworld" as symbolic of certain repeating themes in literature/movies. And I thought it would be cool if I could just pop it into the PowerPoint instead of having to navigate between several different programs. PowerPoint "Help" said there were programs that can do it, so I downloaded it. And had to do it again. And then remove some redundant programs. Then do it again. Then, the one I had wasn't the right version. And then, the "pro" version which supposedly would allow me to
"clip" exactly the scene I wanted (instead of playing the whole DVD-- not what I want to do) did not work. I think the DVD itself has a lock/copyright protector that doesn't let it clip the scene.

I know there are probably programs out there that let you do this. But dammit, I was prepared to pay for the program & use it under "Fair Use" copyrights etc. But it is REALLY really really annoying to have spent the last hour trying to get this technology to work for me and then have it crap out.

So. Now I'll just play the movie clip the boring way, opening multiple programs. Stupid gadgets. Wasting all my time. Why I oughta.....

Anyway, this plays into my "big changes" coming soon. This summer and beyond, I plan to start working on an Educational Courseware thing that I do a lot with. It will be cool, and I think really something that has the potential to be awesome. I plan to most likely NOT teach next Fall, also. There are budget cuts afoot which mean my job might not even be there anyway, plus I need to help with our Real Estate business (between my hubby & my investments & the investments we manage for my mother-in-law, we now have 11 rental properties in our home town alone (two more elsewhere). Most of them run smoothly, but on a day to day basis, it's very time-consuming. And we plan to get more. So. I am just too too busy to adjunct + mom + real estate Tycoon + web based small business plan + exercise + + +. Somethin's gotta give.

I'm kind of excited about it. If it all goes well, (business wise we continue to be successful) we are going to build a little office onto our garage for me to work in. Right now, I work in a closet in our TV room which the babies are constantly mucking about with. The office I envision is something out of a Pottery Barn catalogue, with lots of windows and flowering plants & music playing and and and......the nicest thing about it is that there will not be a kitty litter box anywhere NEAR it. (At this time, whenever my cat decides to "freshen up" the box is close enough that it is gas warfare.)

So. Those are the big changes that are afoot. I did not want to say anything until I had told my boss at work so he didn't think I was blowing off LSU. I really like teaching there, and would continue to do so if there were only 80 hours in a day. :) And/or if I had a tenure-track job-- but that isn't in the wings, either, so.

It's been making me very sad that I spent all this time getting my PhD and haven't, because of being locationally limited, been able to get a full-time position somewhere. And it felt like a failure. There just isn't a position in what I do here at LSU, and even though I adore teaching and would do it no matter what, I need to devote my attention to other things. And it doesn't feel at all like failure, just a re-assessment of goals & needs. I will miss my students, but maybe I can do a continuing ed class or go guest lecture for some of the folks who are still going to be there.

Anyway. Boy is this a long post. And it's time to get the kiddos and cook dinner and move away from the hour or so of "me time" (spent messing with this darn computer).

things that are bad for you

Since the babies were born (3 years-ish) I haven't really sat up all night for no reason. Yes, I've been up with sick babies, or back when they were teeny tiny to feed them every two hours (that was fun!) But early on, I learned that when you have twins, you can't risk them waking up and you not being rested. They'll double team you and you won't get any sleep, so you take it when you can. It's bad for you to be up all night, and I almost always regret it anymore. Gone, I guess, at least til the kiddos are teens, are the nights of staying up til 2 am reading or watching movies or whatever it was we used to do when we stayed up all night.

That habit has lasted me a while. I hardly ever have nights where I get up in the middle of them, not able to sleep. When I do, a lot of the time I even just lie there in bed, thinking, resting, making myself go back to sleep eventually.

But tonight, the combination of a brain full of fuzzy monkey-brain thoughts plus a sore shoulder (the remnants of the sore neck from last week) and an annoying cat have made me need to be up. I surfed a new graphics website to see if I wanted a new "profile" picture (maybe) and played around there. Ate too many pistachios (they're right next to the laptop). Am drinking a sparkling water. Listening to the cat's bell from his collar jingle as he roams, as restless as I am.

Change is afoot. Things will be happening in my "household" that make my life different. Not in a bad way, and in a good way in almost 90% of the change. But there is that lingering 10% that will make me sad. I'll think about whether I want to go completely public with my change. Again, it's just a thing that I'll be changing about something that has made me sad, with the major intent of making me feel better overall. So. It makes you think, and think, and need to get up at 3 am and write elusive blog posts that will have people saying WTF?

Hah! You know, that's bad for you.