Monday, January 18, 2010

Dear Facebook Citizens:

Yesterday, I was perusing the list of people who graduated from my high school in or around the same year as me and in the process, was noticeably disturbed by a few trends.  Let me give you a short list, therefore, of things I think grown up people (and/or people in general) should never do in their facebook profile picture.

1.  Do not sit with your legs wide open like a porno queen.  You graduated the year before I did; that means you're at least 40.  Maybe you're hot, but that pose is NOT.
2.  Do not pose on your motorcycle.  You're not a teenager and it's not that impressive.  The same goes for posing on your big, expensive boat. 
3.  If I have to guess whether your hair in the picture is one of those wayback photos or if that's you, now, you could probably use a restyle.  For the love of God, man, mullets?
4.  No shirtless pictures showing off your "guns" and looking surly.  I see you tucking your hands back there to make them look more bulgy.  Please.  It's not convincing me.
5.  Did you take that picture when you had a hangover?  Is that REALLY the best you can look?  Wipe off some of the eyeliner and brush your hair. 

And, just so I don't sound TOO grumpy and pissy, a few Dos.
1. DO leave that photo of a Corona w/ a lime on a beach with your feet in the picture.  That's kind of fun, and quirky.  It does look a little bit like an advertisement, but I still like the whole "wasting away in Margaritaville" vibe to it.
2. Person who had the Nude Descending Stairs as your picture?  I didn't recognize your name so I probably didn't know you but that is AWEsome.  I wish you wouldn't think I was a freak for the friend request.
3. Well done professional photos with your family are cute.  Keep them up there.

If we all follow these simple rules, the Facebook experience will be much more pleasant for all of us. 
Thank you, and good night.